one heart too few

[quillpunk]

There will be no highadrenalineexchange on my part this year. I've done the math, and I simply do not have enough words in the bank for it.

The benefit of knowing exactly how many words I'll write every week this month is that I know pretty exactly how much I'll end up writing—if I succeed, that is—in the whole of May. I get it to 48k words. That's a lot!

But.

I just wrote a 10k ogfic (that is never going to see the light of day) in a single week. I started it and completed it in a single week. 10k words. I just proved to myself that I can in fact write a 10k fic in a single week—which was 95% of my motivation to do highadrenalineexchange.

So that's 10k used already. I want to write 25k words on my original novel this month (that way it'll reach 75k words this month, which sounds very awesome). That's 35k words used/reserved. Plus I need 1k each for bitesizedfandomsex and hurtcomfortex and 5k words for fandom5k which I did not end up pulling out of. That's 42k words.

48-42=6

The math does not add up.

Admittedly the deadline for highadrenalineexchange is Jun 2, so I could write 6k words before that and the rest in Junw. Admittedly also the deadline for fandom5k is even after that, and I could write that entirely in June, freeing up enough words to write highadrenalineexchange entirely in May.

However both of those options means that basically all words in the bank will be reserved for something or other, and I don't want that. I don't like the idea of having no room for spontaneity; simply sitting down and spamming out a 2k fic on the spot because I felt like it and it brought me joy. I don't want all my words to be reserved for Official Projects with Deadlines or whatnot, or be used for somebody else. I want something left for myself, like how I just wrote that ogfic and had a blast and it was just for me.

Also, I don't like those margins of errors. Considering how tough I've found bitesizedfandomsex (let's just say defaulting is on the table) and hurtcomfortex (which I have not started on) so far, it's entirely possible I'll just go for the minimum wordcount requirement on both, but what if they end up being longer? I want some margin for a fic growing legs and running away from me, you know.

And again, most of my motivation for highadrenalineexchange was just... is this something I can do? It was the idea of challenging myself and going for something I've never managed to do before.

And I just did it.

Challenge won.

So... yeah, right now it feels like most of my enthusiasm for highadrenalineexchange is gone.