Ren the Ghost

Warning: I got emotional. Read at your own risk.

Challenge #15 - Fandom Wrapped

Your top 5 fandoms for 2023 were: (But what do you *mean* though? Do you mean what fandoms I wrote fic in? Read fic in? Participated in conversations about? Fandoms I thought about in a kind nostalgic way but didn't interact with? I don't understand. How you do you quantify fandom in this instance, and what are you counting??? How are you counting it? If you have no data, are you a loser? It feels like I'm being called a loser because I have nothing to offer here.)

In 2023 I wrote a lot of fics in a fandom and then didn't write more. I read fics in dozens of fandoms. Quite frankly, I don't like this question.

But the most memorable things I wrote for are:

• HP (2 fics?)


• Teen Wolf (1 fic)


• Blade Movie Trilogy (1 fic)


• DCU (2 fic?)


• Bleach (1 fic)

Your top 5 fandom spaces in 2023 were:

• Dreamwidth


• Mastodon


• Discord

The top 5 things you did to contribute to fandom in 2023 were:

• Setting up tinyfandomflash


• I dislike the phrasing of "contribution" here for some reason. It feels kind of invalidating of my own fandom experience of "just writing fic." Is writing fic not a fandom contribution? If I write a fic and nobody read it, does that means I have contributed nothing? Who decides what's a worthy contribution, and *why* is it a contribution?
  
  I don't know, this feels strange to me. Are things like reading fics, commenting on fics, participating in fic challenges counting? Because it doesn't feel that way from the phrasing, and saying "top 5" inherently means a ranking and some kind of "this is the best way to contribute" measurement that ultimately also means "you can fail at this/do this wrong."
  
  Like, what are you quantifying here, and how are you measuring it? What metrics are you using? What is a "contribution" to fandom and why should I be thinking of fandom in those terms? *Why* should I care? You're making a case here that there are "contributions in fandom" that should be Above Others™ and I just don't understand.
  
  Honestly, the language of "contribution" implies that I owe fandom something for being allowed in the room, so to speak. It implies, to me, like I need to pay my dues, and if I don't I'm taking up space that is not for me. It implies debt, and the expectation that if you're here, you'd better be doing something or you're just wasting the air. You know. Shit like that. That's where my mind went, and I think folk who interact with fandom more/in different ways then I do are probably not reading it that way.
  
  I think I'm taking it personally because it feels alienating, and like an accusation I'm doing something wrong because I don't 'get' it and that that's my fault, and if I just interacted with fandom in "the right way" it would be obvious to me. It feels like an accusation that it's ultimately me that's malfunctioning here, because at some point in my fandom journey I took the wrong path, and now I can't see through the trees anymore.
  
  I think I probably don't understand this question, to be honest. And certainly I don't get the intent behind it.
  
  I'm also not interested in it so don't tell me if you figured it out :)

Your top 5 most appreciated fandom contributions were: I don't understand what this sentence means, the phrasing is weird as fuck to me. Do you mean "the fandom contributions by others you (*I*) most appreciated" or do you mean "which contributions *I* made did other people most appreciate?"

To be honest, the thing I most appreciate is the existence of Ad Astra: Star Trek Fanfiction Archive and Squidgeworld Archive, both AO3-clones. They're fully functional, and though I'm still not around SqWA much (I do tag wrangle there sometimes though! Which is a lot of fun!) I deeply appreciate them. I wish them both all the luck! And also for more AO3-clones to be created! XD (I would join in a heartbeat and would def be willing to offer tag wrangling assistance, lol.)

And on the whole: This challenge question sucks for me, and I felt like shit the entire time I was thinking about it. Somehow I am taking it very personally that I don't 'get' so much of this. This is simply not how I relate to fandom, and I genuinely feel a bit kicked in the ditch like I'm roadside trash who's in the way of the people who do 'get' it and can easily interact with these questions without overthinking like I'm obviously doing.

Like, I know I don't have to do every challenge. I have simply not done them all. But I got Emotional™ writing this, so I'm posting this anyway. You're just gonna have to deal with it.

(You are so lucky I mostly managed to keep in my swearing.)

Challenge #4 - Icebreaker

Howdy, stranger. You're looking a little lost, can't find your way back? I understand; the forest is thick this time of year, and the trees unkind. You must be lonely, though. But worry not, for there are lots of signs... well, there used to be, but to be quite honest they seem to have vanished when I wasn't looking.

Oh. There is a noise on the wind; can't you hear it? It seems like the puppets have begun their yearly parade through the mountain paths. But if you stay on your road (oh, you can't see it?) you'll be well out of their way. Merely a matter of not getting underfoot, you see.

Hmm, I seem to have forgotten something. It's surely fine, though; I seem to be forgetting lots of things lately, but I'm still here, aren't I? Good as rain, really.

Oh, you think I'm rusting? That's a mighty mean thing to say, I do so think. Perhaps you could benefit from a good rest, something to recharge your soul. It's a consumable, you know. Best be looking after it real good, or things might go a little... wrong, shall we say. But I'll look after you while rest, so just close your eyes for a minute. Yes, just like that.

You're not sleeping. I can tell. Nightmares? Scared of the dark? You have nothing to fear as long as you stick to the rules. They're common sense, really. Just don't wander off the path. You'll see. When the sun rise, you'll see. It's right there. Worry not.

I hear the puppets getting closer now. Just stay still. If you can't see the path, just stay still. I'll hide you, so just stay still.

You're leaving. Why would you leave? You can't see the road, you said. It's too dark, you said. The shadows are moving strangely, you said. The trees are bleeding, you said.

I'm rusting, you said.

I don't think I'm rusting, though. I feel fine; it's a bit harder to move these days, that's true, but that happens with age. I feel quite old, sometimes, I will admit, but that's just because there are so few good conversationalists these days. So many screams, so few 'good morning's and 'hello's.

I feel fine, and I'm quite comfortable, right here. So there's no need to worry.

You're crawling on the ground. Something chases you. I offer assistance, of course. I'm not callous. Would you like my help?

Oh. I move weird, you say. There are blood stains on my body, you say. How odd. I don't bleed much these days, but then the trees surrounding me are quite kind, to share their life with me. I'm gotten a bit attached, you see, and so when you speak of them like that I must admit to some disgust. No need to be harsh, now.

Your scream is just a bit grating. I do wish you'd stop. It's quite an overreaction, don't you think? You got in the way of the parade, that's all. The puppets will move on, and you'll still be here when they're gone. And I'll fix your body, too.

Worry not.

[Yeah, I don't know what happened, LOL. Ice broken?]

Challenge #2: Goals

I signed up to both getyourwordsout and inkingitout with a 500k word goal, so that's my big writing goal for the year. I don't think I'll actually make it, LOL, it's more a case of setting a ridiculous goal so I'll be proud of the progress I *do* make instead of disappointed with the progress I *don't* make.

My smaller, but arguably more important, writing goal is to rewrite the kidlit novel (written in my native language, so one of my few projects not in English, LOL) that I finished in December because yikes, it needs to be gutted and redone almost from the top. But I would love to get that done!

I read 41 books in 2023 according to my reading log, so surpassing that would be cool, but it's not an Important™ goal.

I'd like to keep doing Ad Astra's monthly Review Hunts, because I do think they're helping immensely with getting comfortable with commenting. I've made great strides in Actually Interacting With People™ in the last year, as opposed to just lurking and wondering why nobody's saying hello, and I'd like to continue that.

Most of that has happened on Dreamwidth, because things just move too quickly on discord and I can never figure out the appropriate time to interrupt a conversation in order to say hello, or whatever. I like the chance to sit with my replies and properly gather the energy and spoons for an Interaction™.